In Today's World, That is Radical

"I like you just the way you are."

If you read that and immediately thought of Mister Rogers, you're probably a child of the 70's. It's a simple, radical message, especially when it comes to adult relationships with young children. And it's more radical now than it was back then.

It's radical to like anyone just the way they are, but to like our children just the way they is almost unheard of. I'm sure that many parents would insist that they like their kids, but you wouldn't have to dig very deep to find the "but . . ." 

"I like my child . . . but she never listens to me."

"I like my child . . . but I wish he were more motivated."

"I like my child . . . but all they care about is (fill in the blank) . . ."

I'm sure that many teachers, when asked, would say they like the kids they teach, but the entire job of "teacher" in the standard sense is to shape the child in front of us into someone else.

Indeed, if a parent or educator likes a child just as they are, much of the rest of society would accuse them of failing at their "job." Parents are supposed to "raise" children. Teachers are supposed to mould children. 

In her book The Gardener and the Carpenter, author and psychologist Alison Gopnik argues that our view of parenting has changed dramatically since the mid-century. We have moved from a time when to be a parent (a noun) referred to a relationship of love between two people to the idea of "parenting" (a verb) in which "your qualities as a parent can be, and even should be, judged by the child you create."

"To be a wife is not to engage in "wifing," to be a friend is not to engage in "friending" . . . and we don't "child" our mothers and fathers. Yet these relationships are central to who we are. Any human being living a fully satisfying life is immersed in such social connections. And this is not only a philosophical truth about human beings, but one that is deeply rooted in our very biology . . . I would not evaluate the success of my marriage by measuring whether my husband's character had improved in the years since we wed. I would not evaluate the quality of an old friendship by whether my friend was happier or more successful than when we first met -- indeed, we all know that friendships show their quality most in the darkest days. Nevertheless, this is the implicit picture of parenting . . ."

"Parenting" as a verb, she argues, is a relatively recent phenomenon, one that turns us from "gardeners" who understand that it is the child's job to grow into "carpenters" who are charged with manufacturing our children. In this scenario, to simply like our children just the way they are is to fail at our "job." Maybe educators have always been a type of carpenter, but this attitude has clearly seeped into our relationship with children as well, leading our schools to the extremes of test and assess and drill and kill.

"Love doesn't have goals or benchmarks or blueprints, but it does have a purpose. The purpose is not to change the person we love, but to give them what they need to thrive. Love's purpose is not to shape our beloved's destiny, but to help them shape their own. It isn't to show them the way, but to help them find a path for themselves, even if the path they take isn't one . . . we would choose for them."

"I like you just the way you are." "I love you just the way you are." That is the soil in which our children can grow toward their purpose in life, their unique gift, their genius. "The most important thing each of us can know is our unique gift and how to use it in the world," writes bontantist and philosopher Robin Wall Kimmerer in her book Braiding Sweetgrass. "Individuality is cherished and nurtured, because, in order for the whole to flourish, each of us has to be strong in who we are and carry our gifts with conviction, so they can be shared with others."

"Don't ask what the world needs," Howard Thurman advised his friend Martin Luther King, Jr. "Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." This is the stance of a gardener. 

Gopnik concludes: "So our job as parents (and I would add, as teachers) is not to make a particular kind of child. Instead, our job is to provide a protected space of love, safety, and stability in which children of many unpredictable kinds can flourish. Our job is not to shape our children's minds; it's to let those minds explore all the possibilities that the world allows. Our job is not to tell children how to play; it's to give them the toys and pick the toys up again after the kids are done. We can't make children learn, but we can let them learn."

And to like them just the way they are. In today's world, that is radical.

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I've been writing about play-based learning almost every day for the past 14 years. I've recently gone back through the 4000+ blog posts(!) I've written since 2009. Here are my 10 favorite in a nifty free download. Click here to get yours.

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