The Secret to a Happy and Satisfactory Marriage

"This was a happy and satisfactory marriage," writes Doris Lessing in her novel The Summer Before the Dark, "because both she and Michael had understood, and very early on, the core of discontent, or of hunger, if you like, which is unfailingly part of every modern marriage -- of everything, and that was the point -- had nothing to do with either partner. Or with marriage. It was fed and heightened by what people were educated to expect of marriage, which was a very great deal because the texture of ordinary life . . . was thin and unsatisfactory. Marriage has had a load heaped on it which it could not sustain."

When the subject comes up, I often say, "My wife and I have been married for 38 years . . ." I pause there to let the listener respond, usually with something like, "Congratulations." When I say it in front of an audience, it typically gets a cheer. I then turn it into a joke, "And let me tell you, it only feels like 37."

When I'm with newlyweds, I both envy and pity them. The envy is for the giddy present with all its hopes and plans. The pity is because, as Lessing puts it, "marriage has had a load heaped on it" and if the two of them don't find outside interests and relationships, and support one another in their outside interests and relationships, they will invariably come to blame their discontent on one another.

Obviously, some marriages suck, especially when one of the partners is abusive, neglectful, or dishonest, but most of the time, as marriage guru John Gottman's research finds, "69% of conflict in a relationship is perpetual. It has no resolution because it is based on lasting differences in personalities and needs. Couples can either dialogue about these issues or feel stuck." 

I've heard people say that they don't plan to get married because they don't like bickering, and that's exactly what marriage can be, 69 percent of the time, unless your up to doing the work. I've never seen research on this, but I would assert that Gottman's 69 percent applies to any important, enduring relationship, including that of a parent and child. I mean, there's a lot of bickering there as well, the difference being that in a marriage, if one person regularly resorts to "Because I said so!" that's grounds for divorce. Ideally, in a marriage there is no ongoing, my-way-or-the-highway power differential, but for many of us the power of a parent over a child stands at the core of the relationship. I imagine that this is why so many of us grow up to either resent our parents (even as we love them) or seek to create a distance (even as we love them).

Weddings are the happy ending to our novels and movies. Our little girls, especially, are raised on this idea. But as anyone who has been married for any length of time will tell you, weddings are easy, marriage takes work. Perhaps, as many assert, marriage, especially long term ones like ours, is unnatural. I can see that marriage might feel like a cage. And I understand the hope that maybe the next wedding or the next will result in a happy marriage. 

My mother-in-law remarried shortly before Jennifer and I did. We were all newlyweds together. Some years into her second marriage, she confessed, "I have all the same problems in this marriage that I had in my first one. I guess I have to face the fact that the problem is me." I think about my mother-in-law and Gottman's 69 percent every time Jennifer and I bicker. When I do that, I see that much of the time, if I were to win the argument, it would mean somehow changing who Jennifer is . . . And, of all the things I want, I don't want that. Indeed, it's the aspects of her that aren't like me that ensures our life together will not be thin or unsatisfactory. I do, however, have an abiding and lifelong interest in changing me, hopefully for the better.

The parent-child relationship has had a load heaped on it as well. It's unlike marriage in that it's one of blood and instinct. But like marriage, it's meant to be a lifelong commitment. That's the beauty of both. That's why we celebrate weddings and births, even as we all know, make no mistake, that there is bickering (and probably worse) ahead. The other important difference is that parents know, from the very start, that the goal is to set their children free. What I've learned from 40 years together, more than anything else, is that this is also the goal of marriage. That, to me at least, is the secret to a happy and satisfactory marriage.

******

I've been writing about play-based learning almost every day for the past 14 years. I've recently gone back through the 4000+ blog posts(!) I've written since 2009. Here are my 10 favorite in a nifty free download. Click here to get yours.

 

I put a lot of time and effort into this blog. If you'd like to support me please consider a small contribution to the cause. Thank you!