The Natural State of a Hoarder is Misery

Preschool is a time for children to experiment with community and their place in it. One of the things they experiment with is hoarding. What happens when I manage to control all, or most, of a valuable resource?

Of course, they probably don't frame the question so clearly. More often than not, a child who likes, say, Hot Wheels, will keep adding to their collection until they have all of them. A boy once took a fancy to our giant plastic insects, put them in a pile and sat on them. It happens because it seems like more or all might be better, but it doesn't usually play out that way.

In many classrooms, the adult steps in, first cajoling, and then commanding the child to "share." This, in my view, is not sharing, but rather compliance to authority, which is not something I'm interested in teaching. Experienced children may give in, sullenly, but those who have not yet resigned themselves to being bossed around will fight back. They refuse, they resist, and they shout, "That's not fair!" contrary to the adult's intent, which is, after all, fairness. The lessons learned in this scenario aren't about hoarding, but rather about the ability of the powerful to use force to get their way.

I want children to learn from their experiments. One of the words that I teach the children in my care to understand is "hoard" (another is "exclude") because I want to be able to point it out when it's happening. I don't do it to shame anyone. In fact, I try to state it as a simple fact. 

Someone will complain, "Mary has all the dolls!"

And I'll respond matter-of-factly, "Yeah, she's hoarding them."

If someone complains, "That's not fair!" I'll respond with something like, "You can use them when Mary's done hoarding them." I'll even smile at Mary to assure her that I will not interfere with her experiment. And I genuinely don't because I recognize that she is about to start learning the great lesson about hoarding: the natural state of a hoarder is misery.

The boy who sat on all the giant insects was at first nagged by his classmates to let them have some, or even "just one," but he held firm. After a while, the kids gave up, opting to play with something else, and more importantly, someone else. Slowly, you could watch the boy begin to sulk until before long he was a picture of misery. As he sat there, this previously valuable resource became less and less valuable until it was so worthless that he abandoned it.

One time I was sitting around a table with four 4-5-year-olds. One of them, Phillip, had collected most of the play dough and was sitting with his arms around it possessively. He seemed to enjoy rejecting the other children as they begged him for a chunk. As they bickered, I began to gather up the tiny bits of play dough that remained on the table, eventually gathering a small ball of the stuff about an inch in diameter.

I said, "He doesn't have all the play dough. See? I have some too." I then began pinching off portions of it, saying, "I'm going to give a piece to you . . . And you . . . And you." As the rest of us began making tiny balls and cookies and swords with our bits of play dough we were chatting, laughing, and showing off. Meanwhile, Phillip was looking on with a grim expression, probably beginning to feel miserable in his isolation.

I looked around at everyone's faces. The children with the least were clearly enjoying themselves. I said, "Alex is smiling. Sonya is smiling. Salvador is smiling . . . Phillip is not smiling." We all sat there for a second, just looking at each other's expressions. Then Phillip broke into a huge smile before breaking off large chucks of his hoard to share with the rest of us. I said, "And now everybody is smiling!" 

Both Phillip and the boy on the bugs experienced something the central to hoarding which is that though they may have had a monopoly in terms of possessions, the rest of us had something far more valuable: the happiness that can only come from participation, connection, and friendship. 

******

Even the most thriving play-based environments can grow stale at times. I've created this collection of my favorite free (or nearly free) resources for educators, parents, and others who work with young children. It's my gift to you! Click here to download your own copy and never run out of ideas again!

I put a lot of time and effort into this blog. If you'd like to support me please consider a small contribution to the cause. Thank you!