How Young Children Learn Self-Discipline

I bridle at most "systems of discipline." Even so-called "gentle discipline" often strikes me as overly controlling and manipulative. 

For starters, it seems to me that adults -- both educators and parents -- lump far too many things into the basket of "challenging behaviors" that require discipline. Sassing or talking back, for one. I mean, who cares? When adults do it, we call it standing up for themself. Disobedience is another; it's not a problem if obedience isn't the goal. And there is entirely too much emphasis placed on following unnecessary rules, like walking in straight lines, sitting still, and asking permission to use the bathroom. Most adults would exhibit the same challenging behaviors that preschoolers do if they were forced into the kind of environments of control and manipulation in which most young children spend their lives. Indeed, I see much of these behaviors as a healthy response to being controlled and manipulated.

Secondly, almost every system of discipline I've ever come across relies on the external motivators of rewards and punishments, the tools of behaviorism, a method of "training" that treats children like organic machines, completely ignoring the fact that they are, you know, fully formed human beings.

Yes, we know from psychology that external motivators may "work" if mere compliance is the marker of success, but only as long as the rewarder/punisher remains present. There are those who argue that external motivators eventually become internal motivation over time, which is BS. What they mean is that under the right circumstances, children can be conditioned to respond in an adult-approved way. If their system is applied with consistent rigidity, it's possible to create a Pavlovian drool response in which a child behaves in a certain way due to operant conditioning, which is to say a mindless response to external cues. That's inhuman and cruel. I will never do anything to a child that requires them to ignore their emotions, set aside their sense of morality, and, worst of all, give up on actual thinking. 

If learning is our objective, and I hope it is, then actual, reasoned, internal motivation is the only rational and ethical objective. And this can only happen when children are free to think for themselves.

The bottom line is that these systems of discipline require adults to treat children in ways that they themselves would never tolerate . . . Unless, of course, they themselves have been victims of behaviorist conditioning.

I take no pride in forcing or tricking children into behaving according to my standards. What I want is for children to learn self-discipline: which is to say, behave according to their own standards. To be honest, I expect that this is the ultimate goal of most adults who work with children, but we'll never get there through rewards and punishments. Or rather, a child might get there, on their own, but first they'll have to dedicate years to overcoming their conditioning, which is a difficult, even hazardous, process. 

It's not a function of biology that so many young people throw themselves into drink, drugs, and reckless sex when they first leave home: it's a reaction to finally finding themselves outside the control of those external motivators. With no threat of external punishment (e.g., when the punisher is not present) there is nothing stopping them until they start running into the natural consequences: hangovers, STDs, arrests, DUIs, unwanted pregnancies, most of which could have been avoided if only these children had practice and experience in self-discipline.

I want the young children in my life to know, from the very start, that their behavior is their own responsibility. That doesn't mean that I expect them to always do the right thing. It's preschool, after all. There will be hitting and snatching. There will be tantrums and rowdiness and experiments in power. These are not things I need to control, but rather opportunities for children to learn about natural consequences, making amends, and self-discipline.

You'll notice that most of what the "systems" define as "challenging behaviors" aren't included here. Obedience, respect for authority, walking in straight lines, these are concerns for adults who seek to control. Obedience is a dangerous habit to learn. Respect (too often conflated with fear in these systems) is something that I must earn, it's not something I'm owed. And walking in straight lines is, at best, a cosmetic concern.

I'm concerned with children learning how to get their own needs met while also allowing others to get their needs met within the context of community. I want them to learn that the natural consequence of violence is that people get hurt, that taking things from others makes them sad, that being foolhardy may result in injury, and that the other people deserve to be treated not just as you yourself want to be treated, but as they themselves want to be treated. I want them to know that self-discipline is not about rigorously adhering to rules that others have made for you, but rather being ready to come to agreements while adhering to principles and morals that come from within.

And the only way to learn this is by being allowed to play -- which for young children is to say live -- in a community of others where they can experiment, explore, and discover the kind of person they need to be in order to thrive. Young children are not developmentally ready for academic things like literacy, but they are ready for this kind of trail-and-error social-emotional learning. In fact, they are driven to it.

As adults, our role is not to strong-arm and frighten them into never making those trials and errors, but rather to notice when they do, to help them understand that the consequences are a result of their behaviors, of their errors, and to then offer them a realistic assessment of the steps they can take to make amends. But more importantly, to provide suggestions for what they can do differently in the future. It means understanding enough basic psychology to know that no learning or listening can take place while they are in a disregulated state and help them first become re-regulated. It means creating two-way relationships of fondness, respect, and trust with them. It means knowing that we are neither above or below them, but rather with them.

In other words, it means treating young children the way we treat adults whose we like and respect.

Of course, we are the actual adults, vested with more experience in the world. Because of this, know more about safety, schedules, and courtesy than they do. That's it. The rest is trivia. Yes, I know more about Elizabethan novels than the average four-year-old, but they know more about Disney movies than I do. Trivia.

When they are doing something that is unsafe, including harming another child, I speak calmly and authoritatively from my responsibility: "My job is to keep everyone safe. What you are doing is not safe. I can't let you do that." I then proceed to not let them do it. 

Yes, they may object, they may cry, they may even become disregulated. That's a natural, normal preschooler response to disappointments, all of which can feel vital and overwhelming in the moment. I don't have to argue with them. I don't have to make them stop crying. And I definitely don't have to feel what they feel. What I can do is be compassionate, to feel for them, which is to say agree that their response, for them, is okay with me, and that I will be there with them until they are ready to move on . . . Just as I would with a disappointed adult who I care for.

When schedules must be met, when, for instance, we must come in from outdoors, I say, "It's time to go" because it's a statement of fact. If a child objects, I again speak from my responsibilities: "I can't let you stay outside by yourself." I then proceed to not let them stay outside by themself because that's my responsibility.

When they are behaving in ways that disrupt or disturb others, I again speak from my responsibilities, then help them find an appropriate place or time in which to engage in whatever it was that disrupted or disturbed, because that's my responsibility.

Conflict is not challenging behavior, but rather an opportunity to learn about ourselves and others within the context of community. I'm not there to force a resolution, but rather to be with the children, keeping them safe by removing physical violence from the equation, as they teach themselves, from the ground up, the basics of negotiation and agreement. It might not look pretty from an adult perspective, because learning through trial, error, and natural consequences isn't always pretty, but it is how free humans are meant to learn these things.

High spirits and rowdiness are not challenging behavior, but rather an indication that I have failed to provide them with an environment in which they can engage in those necessary behaviors. Indeed, providing a safe enough environment in which children may learn as their minds and bodies dictate is another of my adult responsibilities. 

None of this requires obedience. None of this requires Pavlovian conditioning. None of this requires me to punish or reward. I am not commanding children, but rather doing the job of helping young humans feel their way, through natural consequences, toward self-discipline.

A public school kindergarten teacher once told me, "I can always tell which of my new students came from your preschool. They know how to get their own needs met and how to help others get their needs met." That's the goal.

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